A journey to an uncomfortable truth.
I’m 52 and have come to to realise a lonely reality within me. Although I am relatively happy and content, a group of experiences have left me feeling frustrated, and a bit angry.
As a young boy I struggled, my mind was over active, i day dreamed and failed school everyday, I was always a loner and I envied groups of people who had friendship and companionship in groups. I was very capable and even at a young age had a practical skill set beyond that of my piers. I had years of “growing pains” that caused lethargy and nausea, I struggled immensely at school but never missed going because of a sense of duty to keep going. Teachers (accept mr Sparrow and mr Tew who where beautifully helpful) label’d me thick and/or stupid, one of them saying I would amount to nothing but a road sweeper.
I also had spiritual experiences, out of body experiences and the feeling of being escorted by angels back to my body. I was artistic and very creative, loving to draw and make/build things. But I struggled l, I never really fitted in and this was probably due (in large part) because of me, I never sought crowds but longed for good company.
I left school, confused and dazzled, I got work and worked hard but never really got anywhere. I struggled academically and struggled with the notion that my teachers where right, “I was thick”. Years went on. I was restless, passionate, creative and had an abundance of energy and drive. I helped people with special needs and studied guitar and music. Even went to music college in London. A land lady of mine “Marion Thomas” who was a a good friend picked up on something in me and suggested That I was tested for Dyslexia, something that seems to strike an accord with me.
I visited a lady called Sue Payne and after a three hour examination, she concluded I was Dyslexic, I was 29….I can’t describe the utter feeling of relief and joy at the realisation I wasn’t “thick” or “Stupid”. I immediately began to see in full colour but continued to be frustrated by people that insisted I develop my academic skills (to me a total waste of energy and skills, and they thought I was stupid). I became restless and roamed a lot. Not able to keep a job because I hated working with people who tried to bully me, intimidate me, dominate me, control me. To this day I am the same, I have zero tolerance to bad people and this brought about its own challenges. My belief in God.
“Shouldn’t I be more tolerant of these people?”
I have in earnest made every attempt to do the best I can in all situations put before me, but only to the point where I’m doing so I have felt my soul being damaged by the experience. There are (I believe) only two types of people in this world. Good and Evil, and the two give rise to what we see in the world today…. the moral struggle. Jesus himself didn’t come to heal the well, but the sick. I know how weak I am at even trying to help those I have already.
Let me state for the record. I HAVE Sinned and I’m am not without fault. I have deliberately done things that I am not proud of, but did them kindly. I have married and divorced. I have had affairs, but I have NEVER hated. The only hate has been directed at me (self sabotage) and at the Evil in the world. It has been a consistent struggle in my life that I have seen the Good and Evil in most things and I’m happy to go to war against Evil.
I also had many relationships with many women. All have been beautiful and loving and I am truly blessed by the experience of these women. But my restless nature continued to move me on in some sort of chaos. There was no order to it (seemingly).
I’ve accomplished quite a lot in my life, graduated from music school (just). Gained a 1st Dan in Karate, completed the Camino De Santiago De Compestella, and the Three Oeaks Challenge. I obtained my Yachtmasters and took over vessels at Sea as Master over several years. I’ve travelled Japan and Iceland. Taught myself Photography and did ok with it. Always found work and have developed a vast skill set that allows me to be highly self sufficient and build/repair pretty much anything, from cars to boats. Houses to huts. I’m self made in the name of God.
I have been fairly nomadic, never settled though I have enjoyed being at a place, it has always been the experiences of bad energy that has made me move on. I have intentionally moved to find peace and whilst others may say that peace is within, I may also ad the following, ” Darkness comprehendeth the light not” and further I think if darkness finds the light it seeks to destroy it, so I move, like water.
I don’t know if I’ll ever settle. I would like to, in complete peace, but never at the cost of what is right. I will not do that. There is an outsiders view that I am chaotic and messy, but again I take you back to darkness not comprehending light.
I have the awareness that I’m a minority. And anyone like me is in the same, this is a good thing as it means I’m in the right place. Nothing could be better, yet more challenging. If I where to be doing well in this world it would mean I wasn’t doing so well in Gods.. perhaps.
I have been challenged continuously by my deep thinking and searching. I have taken my self to search and seek out answers and truly have been some dark places in this quest. I’m 52 and close to a better understanding, wether this was Gods intention or not is another thing. But it has been difficult for me. Understanding “the God” I was reading about, learning about. The notion of Jesus challenged me constantly, but through prayer and study I have come to the following.
Jesus IS the Son of God and understanding this has been a large event, and I see why Muslims have such an issue with it. But I do see it and although I have understood it for a long time, actually having it in my heart has been a strange experience for me and pinnacle to the faith.
Understanding the very man Jesus and God, the Holy spirit has been and is a parable in itself, the fact that Jesus spoke in Parables and Analogy is yet more evidence to the existence of the Godhead.
An embassy will send an ambassador, just as God came in the flesh, why should we be so surprised? That the creative force that is God cares so much that he came here, to us, to preach his word and love to us. The importance of this was reenforced by the very divinity of the relationship between God and Jesus.
“And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”
I’ve heard a story of someone sampling the blood from the Turin shroud and it contains only one Chromosome, that of the Mother Mary. Impossible? Yet is!
Jesus lives me and you and died for our sins. The price has been paid but the war continues. It’s a war to gather wheat from the tears. Jesus wants us to repent from Sin and choose him, I understand that now and also see the importance that this Gospel has to be given to everyone so that they may be saved. Saved? You may ask.
Satan, the accuser, that which drives the dark will within us and is busy accusing everyone and everything that is in the light. It’s embedded in us, we are weak but loved, vulnerable yet protected, ignorant but saved. Please turn to Jesus Christ, the truth, light and Love. Your problems may never go away but you have to fight for what is right in this world. God saves.
I had an outburst on social media recently. On it I said I was sick and tired if seeing LGBT being promoted and sold openly at every conceivable opportunity. It was damaging me. I was and am not full of hatred for these people, I am full of concern and mixed emotions for their welfare. In the very notion of parables I leave you with this.
A child asks you to play by the pond, but you have concerns over the safety for the child. So you give them firm rules. After a period of time the child asks to go paddling on the edge (against one of the rules) and you say No! This is one of the conditions of me allowing you to play near the pond. Behind the parents back the child goes to the edge, slips and drowns.
The other parable is for want of a nail the race was lost.
Rules are for a very good reason and at times we may find them an inconvenience, they are without doubt needed. We are Children and Gods rules are to protect us. By permitting one small departure from the rule, it is not long before we are so far from the truth that we are struggling in deep water looking at a distraught parent on the side of the pond.
Please. For all your worth, stop and turn to God, in Christ the Lord. It’s been a difficult journey for me and challenged me all the way. Please pray. Study and protect your selves, the war is real and if you think Star Wars you’d be in the right track. Good and Evil exist, only a society weakened by years of error and moral deception, Ethical Vandalism has convinced all the beautiful souls that it’s ok to anything you want.
I don’t have all the answers and i am not free of Sin. But I’m on the right path finally. Please go steady, walk with a good heart and seek guidance daily on how to come to Jesus. Love and peace to you all xx.
“Are you so blind that you do not recognize the acceleration of sin among you? Murders abound, thievery, all manner of carnage, destruction of young souls, abortion, homosexuality, condemned from the beginning of time by the Eternal Father. Yet sin has become a way of life. Sin is condoned now, even unto the highest judge of your land and your lands throughout the world. As you have sown so shall you reap. Sin is death, not only of the spirit, but of the body. Wars are a punishment for man’s sin, his greed, his avarice.” – Our Lady of the Roses, August 14, 1981